I told myself this year I am doing it. I am being my words and being all of who I am. I am going to embrace my dancing spirit and take my love for journaling more serious so that I can transmute all that loving energy into my healing practice. This is the life I have wanted since childhood. I just wanted to dance, make other’s smile and laugh by relating to them in the most real humanly way possible, and of course heal a very broken world. I thought that was pretty simple at the ripe old age of 10. For as long as I can try and pin point that altruistic feeling towards the world, my heart has just innately wanted to help, heal and be merry. Yet, the world around me needed me to be broken with them. Or at least to fit in with them. What the world tried to convey to me was peace is unattainable, constant happiness isn’t real and the real world has no place or time for real, true, authentic human connections. You can’t laugh your way through life was and still is a common phrase I hear often. The best broken part though, if you aren’t stressing over bills, school, work or life period, then you must not be doing enough and definitely you are doing something wrong. But wait, why is that doing something wrong? (What if things can work out, without stressing over every detail of how and even with all of our dark moments, we can still be pretty amazing people living happy lives while co-existing in a productive way?)
Naturally, like most everyone else, I began to try to push all those real feelings and thoughts that make me who I am aside and tried to mold myself into who others needed me to be to fit into their world. I mean duh, isn’t it easier to put on 20 mask vs. not wearing one at all? The things we do to ourselves and others around us, to avoid different levels of happiness, is crazy. Just bat juice crazy. To celebrate my 41st birthday I am giving myself permission to take off the mask and just be me. I am being my words. I am done doing life the broken way. I am sick of bat juice!!
I told myself I would start blogging on my birthday so here I am, embracing my writing . A day late of course. Yesterday, I did what I set out to do everyday, Enjoy my morning with my Aaron, the kids and doing my best to live presently. I was going to glam up a little and take the honorary 41 year old pics, get my first blog all ready to go and just be all about creating this big magical birthday to post about. While standing in the bathroom, thinking about getting glammed up, I looked in the mirror and started giggling about the “whole process.” You know the process, the one where we have to glam up our world to convey to the outside world we have a life. But still what are we trying to convey? A happy life no one really believes in, has time to believe in or that I turned 41 and have a zit on my face like I was still in highschool? I mean, I feel like I am still in highschool most days so maybe I am suppose to show the world how well I have aged in this grown up highschool we call life? Or do I be my words and just be me, zit and all. Isn’t that my gift to myself? To give myself the premission and freedom to just be me. To connect to others who also just want to be free to be them? To do what feels right and important to my purpose and to my soul? I am not a glam gal. Never have been or will be. I mean don’t get me wrong I like to get all dressed up once or twice a year but the maintance required to do that everyday, is not worth my alotted daydreaming time. My skin really doesn’t like the way make-up feels on it, nor do I enjoy the process of putting it on or taking it off. It just isn’t my stick, nitch, vice? Is vice the right word? Giggling at myself in the mirror I just opted to slap on some mascara. I made myself chuckle even harder thinking about what comments Jack would have over my application of this crappy mascara.
Still laughing and thinking about my birthday post I said to myself again “Krystal, are you being your words?” The answer is no, not if I am still thinking about my post. (Stay present and just enjoy the day infront of you) I am going to enjoy working from the sofa with my hubby, watch the full Bohemian Rhapsody movie without my attention span jazzercising it up and just enjoy my day. (Amazing movie if you haven’t seen it, I think I caught Aaron drop one or two water drop’s out of his eye). I not going to worry about what my first blog needs to be, monthly bill vs income, how I am going to build my empire and create the change needed in this world. I am going to stay present and just enjoy this day. It’s not everyday I get to turn 41. The lot of us spend a good chuck of time glamming up our days for social media instead of just living the real life that is actually happening infront of us. The real everyday stuff. What is so wrong with the everyday stuff? Not a damn thing if you ask me. I can’t personal heal and help others heal if I am distracted glamming up every moment that isn’t allowing me to be me. That just adding to stress to your day. That is the bat juice crazy I am avoiding.
Last night, after enjoying my day, I finally posted my honorary birthday pic and created my first little movement video to post on instagram. I said I was going to do it so I got over the “ugh-doubtful not good enough” feelings about and look, now I am here blogging. The process is a little longer than I assumed however, I am still doing it. And enjoying the new challenge. I am not here to show off how regal and elaborate my 41st birthday was, “oh no darling, not for those reason that at all” but to show off, I am forty freaking one years old now beectches, I am claiming my life as mine to live the way that feels most natural and right to me. I am finding my own way!
That is me glamming it up. Living my everyday real life for me and embracing the real connections I share around me while growing my healing practice. Real healing for real everyday people. I will brag about my new amazballs skates though. How Aaron knew exactly the right kind of glam that get me going is yet another reason why I love him dearly. I mean, they even say glam on them, in freaking gold. Whatttttttt?!?!?!? And I opened this amazing gift after I journaled about not glamming it up. 💖💝💞